From Holland with Love

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? If it’s anything like mine, it doesn’t grow at all. My thumbs are the opposite of green – instead of a life-giving touch I seem to kill any sort of plants that I try to cultivate. So it was with horror that I was presented with a packet of tulip bulbs as a gift from a friend living in Amsterdam.

The thing is, I love tulips. I desperately want to make them grow and I would love to see them raise their pretty heads, but alas, given my gardening record, the only way I’ll be able to tiptoe through the tulips is if I purchase a bunch of pre-grown beauties.

So I’m pulling out the big guns to try and make this work. The instructions for growth are written in eleven languages on the back of the packet. As for Ukrainian, Russian, Polish, Swedish, Danish and Romanian, I’ve got no chance. I asked my friend about the Dutch version of the directions, and he was able to confirm that yes, they were exactly the same as in English, but I’m still not convinced.

A friend of mine had taken a French course France, or was it a French course Switzerland? Either way, she’s a French speaker and she’ll be able to let me know exactly how to ‘couvrir de tourbe pour préserver des fortes gelées’ although why I would have severe frosts in my apartment, I don’t exactly know, but it’s always a good idea to have a contingency plan!

My brother took a Spanish course Spain, but that doesn’t help because obviously there isn’t a big market for Spanish-speaking tulip buyers in the Netherlands, because the Spanish instructions are sadly amiss! If only my brother had taken an Italian course Italy…

The German version isn’t a problem for me, even though I haven’t taken a German course Switzerland, Germany or Austria. I was taught German as a child, so I can recognise the basics of the language.

However, there’s a conspiracy afoot! The Germans are told to plant the tulips ‘von September bis Mitte Dezember’, the Dutch ‘van September tot half December’ and the English ‘from September until half December.’ Yet the French are able to plant them ‘de Septembre à Janvier.’ How come they get an extra two weeks? And being English, of German ancestry, but living in France, when do I plant mine!?!